Hope When Circumstances are Bleak

Written by Day Marshall, LMHC (Senior Clinician)

Very often in counseling sessions, I hear from clients a form of the sentiment, “I know that God is all powerful, loving and good, but I doubt He is like that with me.”  This is related to experiences that point to feeling forgotten by God, or overlooked by Him, or worse, being punished by Him for not being ‘X’ enough.  Recently in my personal study of the Word, I was looking deeply at the book of Ruth, and the plight of Naomi struck me as echoing what my clients often express.

Faced with the difficult decision to move from Bethlehem with her husband and two sons due to famine, Naomi’s family settled in Moab. During that time, all of her men died, and she only had her two daughters-in-law left. Naomi heard that after 10 years abroad, “the Lord had paid attention to His people’s need and provided food,” so she headed home. It is here we see Naomi’s expressed belief about God’s view of her: “my daughters, my life is much too bitter for you to share, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me.” Again, when Naomi arrived at Bethlehem, she expressed, “Call me Mara, for the Almighty has made me very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty...the Lord has pronounced judgment on me, and the Almighty has afflicted me.”

Despite Naomi’s painful circumstances, the Lord had significant plans for her, which included implications she could not possibly have imagined in her state of grief. We know the happy conclusion to Naomi’s story is not only one of immediate redemption through a grandson who renewed her life and sustained her in her old age, along with a daughter-in-law who loved her and was better “than seven sons,” but also includes being a part of the story of the Redeemer himself. In the beauty of God’s eternal plan, Naomi could not have known during her earthly life the significance of all she went through, but we bear witness to it with the bigger picture in view.

This is a sentiment I try to encourage clients to consider as they are feeling unloved, abandoned, forgotten, or in some way punished by a capricious God. I encourage holding onto the idea that He is never inclined toward us that way, even when it feels like it in the moment. It can feel difficult to trust that God’s love is not fleeting when we have experienced disappointment and pain that seems unrelenting. This is particularly true in the seasons of waiting; not knowing how long the grieving will last, or for what reason something is happening. And especially when, like Naomi, there is one loss piled on top of many others without any obvious way out.

When I meet with a client in this circumstance, I avoid placating sentiments, such as ‘everything happens for a reason,’ because it is not reasonable to ask someone who is suffering to embrace that their suffering is for a greater good. If they come to that conclusion independently, great. However, it can be harmful to impose on a person who feels neglected or unseen by God the idea that He is allowing them to suffer for some larger purpose. Rather, I attempt to enter into their grief with them, hearing their hearts and empathizing with how difficult it is to be a place of not knowing. Offering the sentiment of the father, desperate for the deliverance of his son’s lifelong affliction, whose heart cry was, “I believe! Help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24) is usually pretty close to the heart position of one longing to know the Father’s love for them when they feel alone.

Practices:

1)      Sit with and grieve with those who grieve and who wait for the Lord’s deliverance.

2)      Pray with and for them

3)      Do for them – if they feel alone, invest in friendship with them. If they want a life partner, be the friend who encourages them to experience fullness of life as they prepare themselves to meet that person in the future

4)      When there is a diagnosis or a loss that is excruciating, offer presence more than words, and offer service instead of expectations.

Struggling on Holy Ground

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

"Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, ‘Are you for us or for our enemies?’ ‘Neither,’ he replied, ‘but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.’ Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’  The commander of the Lord’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’  And Joshua did so.” (Joshua 5:13-15) 

Oftentimes we forget that God is in control of our lives and the battles we are facing.  We also can wrongly think that He is always on our side in a disagreement.  Both you and the person on the other side of the disagreement are made in the image of God.  Our pride can keep us from seeing this as we become caught in a vortex of ME ME ME.  Or we just forget.  Or possibly our self-confidence can be low to the point where we can only see the ways in which we don’t stack up in the midst of these moments.  Joshua was surely doubting his ability to lead, and he too turned inward and forgot God’s presence.

In his book The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner illuminates the idea of true self and false self.  For the Christian, the true self is in touch with its humanity and knows its limits and can deeply connect with the Almighty.  The false self is critical of self and others and tries to control and manipulate.  In these false self moments, we must realize that we are out of center and return to our true self in order to hear God more clearly and understand ourselves more fully.  

St. Augustine prayed, "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee."  Similarly, John Calvin asserts in his Institutes, "It is evident that man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself."  As we grow in our understanding of self and live within our true selves more authentically, we can more easily discern God's voice and presence.  We can be freed from illusions and misconceptions and stop striving to be someone we are not or think the world around wants or needs us to be.  When we do this, we come to realize that we can be standing on holy ground in the midst of our deepest struggles.

When to Start Therapy

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

"I’ve been thinking of coming to therapy for the past year or so."

"I’ve always wanted to try therapy but thought 'there are people that have it worse than me'."

Statements like these are often some of the first things clients say to me in session. By the time they make it in, many feel at a breaking point amidst crisis, wishing they had sought therapy sooner. Others feel like they shouldn’t 'take' a session away from someone else who 'has it worse.' Out of these conversations I have realized there is often a misconception about when it is best to start therapy and who therapy is for.

Many clients reach out for therapy when they feel they can no longer function or in response to concerns of friends and family. While these are certainly appropriate times to seek therapy, they are not the only time. In fact, reaching out for help before you get to this point can help potentially avoid a crisis. Reaching out when you feel like you have a lot going on or when you are running out of resources can be a way to start the process of addressing stressors and developing new ways to manage them. When you can’t talk to anyone else or are starting to feel hopeless or lonely, therapy can help navigate the process of creating change. Often the first cues are difficulty with regulating your emotions, changes in performance at work or school, and disruptions in basic functions like sleep or appetite. All may be good indicators that therapy could be helpful, a space to talk through what is going on and identify ways to positively manage stressors. Therapy can be preventative to help address what is going on before you get to the breaking point. 

That being said, seeking therapy doesn’t always have to correlate with distress. Many utilize therapy to learn more about themselves. This can involve processing their upbringing or becoming more aware of their own emotional triggers. For others, therapy can help with personal and emotional development to have better relationships with others. For still others it can be a way to maintain mental and emotional health and in turn manage stressful events or triggers as they arise. These, and many more, are all legitimate reasons to engage in therapy. 

So, do you find yourself resonating with any of this? Are you interested in therapy? What’s preventing you? Are you waiting for things to get worse before you reach out? Right now could be the best time to take the first steps.

Survival Skills

Written by Matt Warren, LMHC MDIV (Executive Director, Senior Clinician)

The overlapping national crises of this year have taken a massive toll on the mental health of our communities.  Recent reports indicate that roughly 40% of Americans have experienced symptoms of depression, anxiety, and/or increased substance abuse since April and that the prevalence of such has more than tripled during the COVID-19 pandemic as compared to previous years.  Demand for mental health services has skyrocketed at roughly the same pace, leaving providers stretched beyond capacity and still just barely scratching the surface of these seemingly inexhaustible needs.

This has certainly been the case at Harbor during the past six months.  We are privileged to be able to serve our community at such a critical time and with higher volume than ever before.  At the same time, it has also been a uniquely taxing and heavy season for our staff.  Mental health providers are, in many ways, serving as “front line workers” amidst this particular aspect of our current crises.  As human beings, they are faced with all the same stressors and hardships as most people during this time, while, as therapists, they are also called to carry the overwhelming burdens of a wide range of people afflicted in a wide range of ways by these very same circumstances and to do that with absolute steadiness and compassion. To complicate things further, the boundaries between personal and professional life have been blurred as most services are provided via telehealth typically from a private space in one’s own home and with greater fluidity of schedule.  This results in an often jarring shift back and forth between personal stressors and concerns and those of the clients with very little buffer in between.

And yet…

Our team at Harbor has been unwavering throughout this challenging season – unwavering in their empathy, wisdom, patience, resilience, prayerfulness, and care.  They have also worked hard to ensure that they are being sustained in body, mind, and spirit while carrying the unique burdens of serving on the “front lines” of mental health during this time.  So to celebrate them, we wanted to highlight their voices and let them share their insights on how they have been managing to “survive” under the many pressures of the season.

To read the reflections shared by our team, click here to download our latest newsletter and sign up to receive our monthly newsletter at the bottom of this page. To learn more about this fantastic team, click here.

The Benefits of Boredom

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

In 2018, a technology company completed a study which found that Americans check their phone on average 80 times a day, roughly once every 12 minutes, including when on vacation (Asurion, 2018). While this number may seem startling, the addition of "screen time" limits within smart phone settings in recent years show just how much our lives have been taken over by the use of screens, social media, and apps. It doesn’t end there—use of screen time is not only limited to smart phones but also other devices like computers and televisions. Distracting yourself can look like turning on the television every evening and zoning out until bed time or scrolling through emails on the computer even though they have all been replied to.

Most people are aware of the dangers of screen time use in regards to things like distracted driving. The National Security Counsel documents that cell phones are involved in 27% of all car crashes and are the cause of roughly 3,000 distracted driving deaths every year (NSC). Yet there are other more subtle ways that constant distraction can cause us harm. For example, screen use even distracts us from using the bathroom properly—90% of people admit that they take their phones with them to the bathroom and studies have found that people spend up to 40 minutes using the bathroom when they are on their phone even though from a physiological perspective it shouldn’t take more than 7-10 minutes (Fulton, 2017). Such a shift in a basic function can lead to physical problems and ailments, simply because we are too glued to our technology. 

So why is this? Why are we constantly distracting ourselves? In sessions with clients I often find that distraction is a way to avoid a deeper issue. It pushes off feelings of anxiety, depression, fear, sadness, or frustration to name a few. We engage in distraction because it works—but only temporarily. Eventually those feelings come back again and thus we engage in another distraction to avoid thinking about or feeling them (usually via screen time) that just perpetuates the cycle. Certainly there are times in sessions where part of the treatment plan is to utilize distraction techniques, but this is generally the case when the feeling or experience is insurmountable during an important moment (for example someone who is struggling with panic attacks while giving a presentation at work). Overall, the goal is not to always distract yourself, but to work towards managing the feelings and symptoms in other ways.

In my work with clients I have found that one way this can be done is by putting down the distractions and allowing yourself to be bored. 

Being bored is often correlated with laziness or a lack of motivation. In fact, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines boredom as "the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest". Despite this definition, studies have found that boredom is often beneficial—maybe even necessary—for problem solving and creativity. A 2019 study found that boredom actually helped increase productivity on activities that followed periods of boredom (Park, Lim, & Oh). Boredom also often leads many to daydream, which can boost problem solving ideas and creativity (Ducharme, 2019; Mann, 2014). Boredom has also been found to help boost and motivate us towards creating new goals (Elpidorou, 2014);when we are bored we often start to think about the future and ideas we have or changes we would like to make. Additionally it has been shown to increase social identification, positive memories, and nostalgic feelings (van Tilburg, 2011). 

Boredom can be hard to start if we are used to constantly distracting ourselves in order to push aside thoughts or feelings we are not ready to deal with. Sometimes the best way to work towards this is to allow ourselves momentary breaks from our constant distraction. Try taking a walk without listening to music or talking on the phone. Sit outside and let your mind wander without any agenda. Avoid looking at your phone when you are waiting in line or on public transit or sitting in a waiting room. Stop taking your phone to the bathroom. Instead, in these moments, allow yourself to be bored and see where your mind takes you. Do you start to come up with a creative solution or idea? Maybe you begin to daydream and reorient some of your goals. Do you find yourself becoming anxious? (Studies have shown that separation anxiety can be a response to not using technology, as 31% of people feel anxiety when separated from their phone (SWNS, 2017)). How long are you able to tolerate this feeling of discomfort? Can you work towards slowly decreasing the amount of time you spend desiring distraction vs. allowing yourself to reap some of the benefits of boredom? 

References

Ausurion (2018, May 17). Americans Don’t Want to Unplug from Phones While on Vacation. Retrieved from https://www.asurion.com/about/press-releases/americans-dont-want-to-unplug-from-phones-while-on-vacation-despite-latest-digital-detox-trend/

Ducharme J. (2019, January 4). Being Bored Can Be Good for You—If You Do It Right. Retrieved from http://time.com/5480002/benefits-of-boredom/

Elpidorou A. (2014, November 3). The Bright Side of Boredom. Retrieved from https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01245/full

Fulton, W. (2017, June 25). iPhones Have Changed the Way We Poop... for the Worse. Retrieved from https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/nation/smartphone-toilet-health-risks

Mann, S. (2014). Does Being Bored Make Us More Creative? Creativity Research Journal, 26 (2), 165-173. 

NSC. Retrieved from https://www.nsc.org/home

Park, G., Lim, B.C., & Oh, H.S. (2019). Why Being Bored Might Not Be a Bad Thing after All. Journal of Academy Management, 5 (1). 

vanTill, W.A.P. (2011). Boredom and Its Psychological Consequences. University of Limerick. 

SWNS (2017, November 8). Americans Check Their Phones 80 Times A Day. Retrieved from https://nypost.com/2017/11/08/americans-check-their-phones-80-times-a-day-study/