The Struggle of Love

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

"Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like 'struggle.' To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now—and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain." — Fred Rogers

Over the years the topic of love is a constant theme in sessions with clients and conversations in my own personal life. Across relationships—innate (such as parents, siblings, family) and 'chosen' (spouses, friends, children, etc.)—we have all faced some sort of hurt or disappointment. Questions arise along the lines of "what does it look like to love someone who has disappointed me?" or "how can I love them if we disagree on so much?" In reflecting on love, I appreciate the above quote by Fred Rogers as it outlines the difficulty that loving another sometimes presents. At times the person we love may bring us pain, disappointment, dismay. Love is choosing to continue in caring amidst the difficulty and remain intentionally present. 

In society and media love is often depicted as a feeling or epiphany. Yet in reality love is a choice—and not a one time choice; it is a daily, persistent choice. In his book Our Father Abraham, Marv Wilson identifies love as "a person’s good word to stick with someone, to make that relationship work; It was not merely a warm sensation" (p. 202). Love is a commitment to caring for another person who is just as imperfect as you are. A commitment that requires hard work when difficulty arises. Love means forgiving when hurtful mistakes are made. It often requires a level of sacrifice to self for the good of the other person and the good of the relationship. 

As you read through this, are certain relationships coming to mind? A recent argument with your spouse? Unresolved tension with your mother? Frustrations with your roommate that you struggle to let go of? Below are some ideas of ways to put love in action amidst difficulty:

Learn to appreciate differences in the other person  

You may not always see eye to eye but is that always a bad thing? Sometimes differences can lead to a better perspective.

Letting go of the little things

Not every frustration needs to lead to a blow out. Is it possible to let go of some of the resentments you may be holding? What might it look like to love the person past the 'little things' that led to the anger? 

Forgiveness

Practicing forgiveness allows us and the other person to try to move forward. It provides a reset to bring ourselves back to the focus of love as a choice.

Apologize 

Back to the notion of self sacrifice in loving another, apologizing can often help create a bridge towards reconnection.

The utmost picture of sacrificial love is what we see in the life and death of Jesus. He loved despite not always receiving love back, providing the ultimate sacrifice of love for the good of us all. May we strive to better understand the struggle of love and remind ourselves that love is a constant choice. 

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:5-8)

Take Notice

Written by Beth Waterman, MA (Clinician)

Today, as I was taking my midday walk, I began to think about the changing seasons that I’ve been privy to witness in my neighborhood in a unique way this season. I’d like to think that I’m spontaneous, that I live life on the edge, but the truth is I like consistency. I walk the same route, by the same trees and homes nearly every day. But perhaps there is something beautiful about this now familiar path I walk in hopes of breaking up my day. I notice things. I breathe. I leave my phone behind, and I focus on the present moment. I pray, sometimes. These are the very things I find myself inviting those whom I work with to do: “notice your breath, notice what’s happening in your body, notice what might need your attention right now…” The very prompts I offer, I have been walking out. Admittedly, not even on purpose most days.

But through these urban hikes I’ve noticed the same old trees changing from bare and bald and snow covered, to budding and growing and coming alive, to full and green and vibrant, to deepening hues of yellows and reds, to suddenly crunchy, slippery and piled up under my feet. Today I noticed again that the seasons are changing before us.  And in our lives, at least in my life, I have often packed my days, my seasons, so full, that I barely have time to look around me. I barely even breathe, let alone take a midday walk to notice the trees in their constant state of dressing and undressing.

I think about how God reminds us that he too takes notice - of us, of our process, of this profound time we all are walking through. I love Matthew chapters 6 and 10 which remind us that wildflowers and canaries do not go unnoticed to our loving Father, and neither so do our lives. As confusing, complicated, painful, or needy as they might feel. My hope is that I might keep leaning in to the process of expanding this space and willingness to notice what is around my daily world. And I hope that for you too, that you might be able to step outside for a moment and breathe in the crisp air, stomp through a pile or two of crispy old leaves, and let yourself take notice of the world around you. And for a moment, maybe we all can join the wildflowers and the sparrows in knowing we’re not holding any of it alone.

Why I Make My Bed Every Day

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

When I was a kid, it was hit or miss whether or not I would make my bed. Oftentimes the driving force behind a made bed was my parents' reminding. This was in turn sometimes met with a sarcastic comment, “Why, I’ll just get in it again?!" Into my teenage years, I started to make my bed more often because I liked the aesthetic. While working over the summer cleaning houses, one of my responsibilities was to make the beds and to make them look like a swanky hotel. I liked the look and started to replicate it at home. By time I made it to college, making the bed was essential. Space in my dorm room was all the space I had to study, hang out with people, and grab an occasional meal.

Since then, through the ever-busyness of life, I began to realize how this simple task impacted me. It was more than the aesthetic; it was the sense of feeling unfrazzled, unrushed, and productive. I realized that, in the mornings when I took a few minutes to make my bed, I felt more grounded, more prepared with a sense of determination for the day ahead.  Its a way to signal to myself that the night is over (no matter how tired I may still be!) and that a new day is beginning. It gives me a moment to pause, to create order, to refresh. Sometimes while I make the bed I find myself becoming aware that I’m unconsciously giving myself a little pep talk for the day ahead. Preparing for potential stressors, reminding myself that I can handle things even if they are messy, just as I am tidying up this messy bed.

In 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven gave a commencement speech at the University of Texas at Austin which went viral with millions of views. It contained the premise, "If you want to make a difference in the world, start by making your bed." The thrust of his speech: taking small steps and accomplishing small tasks leads to a sense of pride, helping you work towards another task and another and another. In the end, you realize that small habits matter as they support larger habits. Similarly, in his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg notes that making your bed every day becomes a habit that can lead to further positive decisions over the day and a determined sense of taking charge. Over time these habits instill a confidence in taking charge that leads to a stronger skillset in tackling other important habits. 

So, do you make your bed? Can you spare a few minutes to orient yourself with a sense of pride and productivity? 

Now to be clear: this doesn’t necessarily mean that your bed is made perfectly. There are plenty of days mine is thrown together quickly before I'm on to the next thing. Nor is there any magic to this. Just because I make my bed doesn’t mean I am able to successfully accomplish everything in the day ahead. There are days when I make my bed with a real sense of motivation only to have the day end feeling unproductive with many tasks left undone. But on those days I still have an inviting, intentionally made bed to climb into to close out the day and prepare for the next one.

Hope When Circumstances are Bleak

Written by Day Marshall, LMHC (Senior Clinician)

Very often in counseling sessions, I hear from clients a form of the sentiment, “I know that God is all powerful, loving and good, but I doubt He is like that with me.”  This is related to experiences that point to feeling forgotten by God, or overlooked by Him, or worse, being punished by Him for not being ‘X’ enough.  Recently in my personal study of the Word, I was looking deeply at the book of Ruth, and the plight of Naomi struck me as echoing what my clients often express.

Faced with the difficult decision to move from Bethlehem with her husband and two sons due to famine, Naomi’s family settled in Moab. During that time, all of her men died, and she only had her two daughters-in-law left. Naomi heard that after 10 years abroad, “the Lord had paid attention to His people’s need and provided food,” so she headed home. It is here we see Naomi’s expressed belief about God’s view of her: “my daughters, my life is much too bitter for you to share, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me.” Again, when Naomi arrived at Bethlehem, she expressed, “Call me Mara, for the Almighty has made me very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty...the Lord has pronounced judgment on me, and the Almighty has afflicted me.”

Despite Naomi’s painful circumstances, the Lord had significant plans for her, which included implications she could not possibly have imagined in her state of grief. We know the happy conclusion to Naomi’s story is not only one of immediate redemption through a grandson who renewed her life and sustained her in her old age, along with a daughter-in-law who loved her and was better “than seven sons,” but also includes being a part of the story of the Redeemer himself. In the beauty of God’s eternal plan, Naomi could not have known during her earthly life the significance of all she went through, but we bear witness to it with the bigger picture in view.

This is a sentiment I try to encourage clients to consider as they are feeling unloved, abandoned, forgotten, or in some way punished by a capricious God. I encourage holding onto the idea that He is never inclined toward us that way, even when it feels like it in the moment. It can feel difficult to trust that God’s love is not fleeting when we have experienced disappointment and pain that seems unrelenting. This is particularly true in the seasons of waiting; not knowing how long the grieving will last, or for what reason something is happening. And especially when, like Naomi, there is one loss piled on top of many others without any obvious way out.

When I meet with a client in this circumstance, I avoid placating sentiments, such as ‘everything happens for a reason,’ because it is not reasonable to ask someone who is suffering to embrace that their suffering is for a greater good. If they come to that conclusion independently, great. However, it can be harmful to impose on a person who feels neglected or unseen by God the idea that He is allowing them to suffer for some larger purpose. Rather, I attempt to enter into their grief with them, hearing their hearts and empathizing with how difficult it is to be a place of not knowing. Offering the sentiment of the father, desperate for the deliverance of his son’s lifelong affliction, whose heart cry was, “I believe! Help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24) is usually pretty close to the heart position of one longing to know the Father’s love for them when they feel alone.

Practices:

1)      Sit with and grieve with those who grieve and who wait for the Lord’s deliverance.

2)      Pray with and for them

3)      Do for them – if they feel alone, invest in friendship with them. If they want a life partner, be the friend who encourages them to experience fullness of life as they prepare themselves to meet that person in the future

4)      When there is a diagnosis or a loss that is excruciating, offer presence more than words, and offer service instead of expectations.

Struggling on Holy Ground

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

"Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, ‘Are you for us or for our enemies?’ ‘Neither,’ he replied, ‘but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.’ Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’  The commander of the Lord’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’  And Joshua did so.” (Joshua 5:13-15) 

Oftentimes we forget that God is in control of our lives and the battles we are facing.  We also can wrongly think that He is always on our side in a disagreement.  Both you and the person on the other side of the disagreement are made in the image of God.  Our pride can keep us from seeing this as we become caught in a vortex of ME ME ME.  Or we just forget.  Or possibly our self-confidence can be low to the point where we can only see the ways in which we don’t stack up in the midst of these moments.  Joshua was surely doubting his ability to lead, and he too turned inward and forgot God’s presence.

In his book The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner illuminates the idea of true self and false self.  For the Christian, the true self is in touch with its humanity and knows its limits and can deeply connect with the Almighty.  The false self is critical of self and others and tries to control and manipulate.  In these false self moments, we must realize that we are out of center and return to our true self in order to hear God more clearly and understand ourselves more fully.  

St. Augustine prayed, "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee."  Similarly, John Calvin asserts in his Institutes, "It is evident that man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself."  As we grow in our understanding of self and live within our true selves more authentically, we can more easily discern God's voice and presence.  We can be freed from illusions and misconceptions and stop striving to be someone we are not or think the world around wants or needs us to be.  When we do this, we come to realize that we can be standing on holy ground in the midst of our deepest struggles.

When to Start Therapy

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

"I’ve been thinking of coming to therapy for the past year or so."

"I’ve always wanted to try therapy but thought 'there are people that have it worse than me'."

Statements like these are often some of the first things clients say to me in session. By the time they make it in, many feel at a breaking point amidst crisis, wishing they had sought therapy sooner. Others feel like they shouldn’t 'take' a session away from someone else who 'has it worse.' Out of these conversations I have realized there is often a misconception about when it is best to start therapy and who therapy is for.

Many clients reach out for therapy when they feel they can no longer function or in response to concerns of friends and family. While these are certainly appropriate times to seek therapy, they are not the only time. In fact, reaching out for help before you get to this point can help potentially avoid a crisis. Reaching out when you feel like you have a lot going on or when you are running out of resources can be a way to start the process of addressing stressors and developing new ways to manage them. When you can’t talk to anyone else or are starting to feel hopeless or lonely, therapy can help navigate the process of creating change. Often the first cues are difficulty with regulating your emotions, changes in performance at work or school, and disruptions in basic functions like sleep or appetite. All may be good indicators that therapy could be helpful, a space to talk through what is going on and identify ways to positively manage stressors. Therapy can be preventative to help address what is going on before you get to the breaking point. 

That being said, seeking therapy doesn’t always have to correlate with distress. Many utilize therapy to learn more about themselves. This can involve processing their upbringing or becoming more aware of their own emotional triggers. For others, therapy can help with personal and emotional development to have better relationships with others. For still others it can be a way to maintain mental and emotional health and in turn manage stressful events or triggers as they arise. These, and many more, are all legitimate reasons to engage in therapy. 

So, do you find yourself resonating with any of this? Are you interested in therapy? What’s preventing you? Are you waiting for things to get worse before you reach out? Right now could be the best time to take the first steps.

Survival Skills

Written by Matt Warren, LMHC MDIV (Executive Director, Senior Clinician)

The overlapping national crises of this year have taken a massive toll on the mental health of our communities.  Recent reports indicate that roughly 40% of Americans have experienced symptoms of depression, anxiety, and/or increased substance abuse since April and that the prevalence of such has more than tripled during the COVID-19 pandemic as compared to previous years.  Demand for mental health services has skyrocketed at roughly the same pace, leaving providers stretched beyond capacity and still just barely scratching the surface of these seemingly inexhaustible needs.

This has certainly been the case at Harbor during the past six months.  We are privileged to be able to serve our community at such a critical time and with higher volume than ever before.  At the same time, it has also been a uniquely taxing and heavy season for our staff.  Mental health providers are, in many ways, serving as “front line workers” amidst this particular aspect of our current crises.  As human beings, they are faced with all the same stressors and hardships as most people during this time, while, as therapists, they are also called to carry the overwhelming burdens of a wide range of people afflicted in a wide range of ways by these very same circumstances and to do that with absolute steadiness and compassion. To complicate things further, the boundaries between personal and professional life have been blurred as most services are provided via telehealth typically from a private space in one’s own home and with greater fluidity of schedule.  This results in an often jarring shift back and forth between personal stressors and concerns and those of the clients with very little buffer in between.

And yet…

Our team at Harbor has been unwavering throughout this challenging season – unwavering in their empathy, wisdom, patience, resilience, prayerfulness, and care.  They have also worked hard to ensure that they are being sustained in body, mind, and spirit while carrying the unique burdens of serving on the “front lines” of mental health during this time.  So to celebrate them, we wanted to highlight their voices and let them share their insights on how they have been managing to “survive” under the many pressures of the season.

To read the reflections shared by our team, click here to download our latest newsletter and sign up to receive our monthly newsletter at the bottom of this page. To learn more about this fantastic team, click here.

The Benefits of Boredom

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

In 2018, a technology company completed a study which found that Americans check their phone on average 80 times a day, roughly once every 12 minutes, including when on vacation (Asurion, 2018). While this number may seem startling, the addition of "screen time" limits within smart phone settings in recent years show just how much our lives have been taken over by the use of screens, social media, and apps. It doesn’t end there—use of screen time is not only limited to smart phones but also other devices like computers and televisions. Distracting yourself can look like turning on the television every evening and zoning out until bed time or scrolling through emails on the computer even though they have all been replied to.

Most people are aware of the dangers of screen time use in regards to things like distracted driving. The National Security Counsel documents that cell phones are involved in 27% of all car crashes and are the cause of roughly 3,000 distracted driving deaths every year (NSC). Yet there are other more subtle ways that constant distraction can cause us harm. For example, screen use even distracts us from using the bathroom properly—90% of people admit that they take their phones with them to the bathroom and studies have found that people spend up to 40 minutes using the bathroom when they are on their phone even though from a physiological perspective it shouldn’t take more than 7-10 minutes (Fulton, 2017). Such a shift in a basic function can lead to physical problems and ailments, simply because we are too glued to our technology. 

So why is this? Why are we constantly distracting ourselves? In sessions with clients I often find that distraction is a way to avoid a deeper issue. It pushes off feelings of anxiety, depression, fear, sadness, or frustration to name a few. We engage in distraction because it works—but only temporarily. Eventually those feelings come back again and thus we engage in another distraction to avoid thinking about or feeling them (usually via screen time) that just perpetuates the cycle. Certainly there are times in sessions where part of the treatment plan is to utilize distraction techniques, but this is generally the case when the feeling or experience is insurmountable during an important moment (for example someone who is struggling with panic attacks while giving a presentation at work). Overall, the goal is not to always distract yourself, but to work towards managing the feelings and symptoms in other ways.

In my work with clients I have found that one way this can be done is by putting down the distractions and allowing yourself to be bored. 

Being bored is often correlated with laziness or a lack of motivation. In fact, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines boredom as "the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest". Despite this definition, studies have found that boredom is often beneficial—maybe even necessary—for problem solving and creativity. A 2019 study found that boredom actually helped increase productivity on activities that followed periods of boredom (Park, Lim, & Oh). Boredom also often leads many to daydream, which can boost problem solving ideas and creativity (Ducharme, 2019; Mann, 2014). Boredom has also been found to help boost and motivate us towards creating new goals (Elpidorou, 2014);when we are bored we often start to think about the future and ideas we have or changes we would like to make. Additionally it has been shown to increase social identification, positive memories, and nostalgic feelings (van Tilburg, 2011). 

Boredom can be hard to start if we are used to constantly distracting ourselves in order to push aside thoughts or feelings we are not ready to deal with. Sometimes the best way to work towards this is to allow ourselves momentary breaks from our constant distraction. Try taking a walk without listening to music or talking on the phone. Sit outside and let your mind wander without any agenda. Avoid looking at your phone when you are waiting in line or on public transit or sitting in a waiting room. Stop taking your phone to the bathroom. Instead, in these moments, allow yourself to be bored and see where your mind takes you. Do you start to come up with a creative solution or idea? Maybe you begin to daydream and reorient some of your goals. Do you find yourself becoming anxious? (Studies have shown that separation anxiety can be a response to not using technology, as 31% of people feel anxiety when separated from their phone (SWNS, 2017)). How long are you able to tolerate this feeling of discomfort? Can you work towards slowly decreasing the amount of time you spend desiring distraction vs. allowing yourself to reap some of the benefits of boredom? 

References

Ausurion (2018, May 17). Americans Don’t Want to Unplug from Phones While on Vacation. Retrieved from https://www.asurion.com/about/press-releases/americans-dont-want-to-unplug-from-phones-while-on-vacation-despite-latest-digital-detox-trend/

Ducharme J. (2019, January 4). Being Bored Can Be Good for You—If You Do It Right. Retrieved from http://time.com/5480002/benefits-of-boredom/

Elpidorou A. (2014, November 3). The Bright Side of Boredom. Retrieved from https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.01245/full

Fulton, W. (2017, June 25). iPhones Have Changed the Way We Poop... for the Worse. Retrieved from https://www.thrillist.com/entertainment/nation/smartphone-toilet-health-risks

Mann, S. (2014). Does Being Bored Make Us More Creative? Creativity Research Journal, 26 (2), 165-173. 

NSC. Retrieved from https://www.nsc.org/home

Park, G., Lim, B.C., & Oh, H.S. (2019). Why Being Bored Might Not Be a Bad Thing after All. Journal of Academy Management, 5 (1). 

vanTill, W.A.P. (2011). Boredom and Its Psychological Consequences. University of Limerick. 

SWNS (2017, November 8). Americans Check Their Phones 80 Times A Day. Retrieved from https://nypost.com/2017/11/08/americans-check-their-phones-80-times-a-day-study/

The Importance of Friends

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

As a follower of Christ, I don’t know what I would do without my Christian and non-Christian friends alike.  These are people with whom I can share small moments like a kid’s birthday or big moments like the passing of a family member.  I need them in my life to share these moments, but I also need them in my life to point out my weak spots and to pray for me and my family.  

God did not design us to be alone.  The first thing in the Garden that was “not good” was that Adam was by himself.  He was alone.  God remedied that by giving him a companion.  

We need companions.  We need friends.  We need family members.  We need people even if we don’t always think we do.  Now, not all friends and family are helpful, but that will be a topic we cover in a future post.

From our chair in the counseling offices at Harbor, we are always curious to find out what natural supports a client has around them as well as any supports are not helpful.  Who in their life is positive to their mental health?  And who might not be a healthy influence in their life?  We look for people who love them and are willing to support them while at the same time not enabling them in any sinful or maladaptive behavior.  We look for people that are praying for them.

Mark’s account of the life of Jesus gives us an interesting look at what it means to be this kind of friend. Mark 2:3-5 reads:

“And they came, bringing to (Jesus) a paralytic carried by four men.  And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay.  And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’”

In this story, the author doesn’t elaborate on the nature of these four friends’ faith.  Maybe they were all good Jews, perhaps they were new converts to this radical Rabbi Jesus, or maybe they were a mix of normal guys from a fishing village.  The text doesn’t explicitly tell us about their faith, but what is made explicit is that these four men cared deeply for the paralytic man.  They knew was that Jesus was performing miracles and their friend needed one.  But they couldn’t get in the door.  So what did these friends do?  The ESV states that they literally ripped the roof off the place.  

What I want to point out in this text is that it does not say that the paralytic man’s faith made him well but rather that Jesus saw the faith of his friends and forgave the man his sins and healed him.

Now sure you exegetes out there are thinking there are other things going on in this text that are important, but for the purposes of this post let’s think of the friends we surround ourselves with and how we serve as a friend to others.  Do we have friends around us that are willing to rip roofs off to get us closer to Jesus?  And are we willing to rip off roofs for our friends to get them closer to Jesus?  Sometimes we can’t just say we will pray for our friends; rather, we need to put some feet to our prayers.  

The ultimate miracle that Jesus performs for the world is that He forgives sin, and this was the ultimate miracle for this man not just that he regained the strength of his legs.  You wonder if Jesus was thinking of Psalm 103:3 when He forgave the man wondering if the religious leaders would remember the rest of the verse or just get hung up on their religiosity?  

You might conclude that you don’t have four good friends like that in your life and the thought of that void reveals a deep sense of loneliness within you.   If so, maybe you can take a step into someone else’s life to be a better friend.  Maybe not a “rip off the roof” friend just yet (we have to work up to that) but someone that is present in someone else’s life, with whom you learn to listen and not just talk about your problems as they talk about their own concerns.  Or maybe you simply say to the friends around you that you’ll be praying for them.  And then, when they need something later, you’ll be able to put more feet to your prayers and become one of their four friends.  And by becoming a friend like this to someone else, maybe you’ll find one of your four friends in your own life.

Thinking About Problems

Written by Matt Warren, LMHC MDIV (Executive Director, Senior Clinician)

What are your goals in seeking counseling?  This is a question that we ask early and often in the counseling process, from the initial intake interview on through the various stages of growth and progress.  To go anywhere meaningful, we need to understand more than just what is unwanted, unhealthy, painful, or dysfunctional about the way things currently are.  Identifying these presenting problems or concerns is important, to be sure, but we also need to develop at least some sense of how those things ought to be instead.  What would be desirable, healthy, healing, functional…sound familiar?  By sketching out these goals and aims for counseling, we will know more clearly where to focus attention, what issues to prioritize, and how to measure progress along the way.

Of course, constructive goal setting is easier said than done.  Our presenting problems can feel so complex, so intractable, so deeply rooted, and so overwhelming that the idea of setting a goal can seem like an empty and arbitrary form of fairy tale thinking.

“I just want to feel better…happier…or at least just not like this.”

“I want to fix our marriage, but it’s been so bad for so long.”

“I know I need to be a better person, but I doubt anything will ever really change.”

Perhaps you have felt this way before.  We all have at some point in time.  From a biblical perspective, we recognize that the pernicious nature of sin, which exists within us and all around us, would very much like for us to remain stuck in this sort of mindset.  If we remain stuck in a sense of futility or confusion or bitterness or hopelessness or even some elusive and abstract idea of “happiness” (as in, the kind that is not in any way grounded in “real life”), then we will be successfully impeded from experiencing the fullness of life that God desires for us.  Thinking this way about our problems is just as destructive to our souls as thinking that we have no problems whatsoever.  Thinking this way about our problems keeps us from grappling with the realities of the gospel – that Jesus has fully atoned for our sins and shortcomings, that his power is made perfect in our weakness, that his mercy is real and substantial in the midst of our greatest pain and hardships, that his saving work is meant to produce real and transformative (though often unexpected) change in our lives. 

How we think about our problems and, even more so, how we think about change and growth in the midst of those problems is of critical importance.  So what are your goals for counseling?