Written by Jessica Abraham, LMHC (Senior Clinician)
As believers, we are frequently reminded of the command to forgive one another (e.g. Ephesians 4:32), and yet, this is often easier said than done. Throughout childhood, adolescence, and even as a young adult, when I felt hurt by a person’s action or inaction, I was often told, “just forgive and forget!” Cue adolescent eye-roll…as if it were that simple!
Most of us struggle with a few misconceptions when it comes to forgiveness. One is the assumption that forgiveness can take place overnight, allowing us to move on instantaneously. In reality, forgiveness is a process that takes time—even a lifetime. True forgiveness takes time because it requires being honest with ourselves and actually allowing ourselves to experience the various emotions that may come up when we reflect on the harm caused, rather than avoiding certain thoughts or feelings altogether.
Another misconception is the idea that forgiving someone means to also forget the harm they caused. In reality, forgiveness actually warrants and requires us to remember. There is so much we miss out on when we choose to forget and dismiss hurtful behavior. For starters, it keeps us from developing a radar or compass for truth and safety — if we don’t name and acknowledge harm caused, we deny ourselves the opportunity to grow in discernment of what is safe and healthy versus what is not. As Christian therapist Adam Young describes in his podcast, “The Place We Find Ourselves,” we cannot forgive what we have not named. The process of forgiveness starts with admittance to yourself and for yourself.
Lastly, I think we often make the mistake of using forgiveness and reconciliation synonymously. In actuality, forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate processes. Forgiveness is a healing process for the individual who experienced harm and requires nothing from the offender; reconciliation is an additional bonus process that involves both the person who experienced harm and the person who caused harm. As Christian therapist Dan Allender puts it, “forgiveness may bring peace, but it may bring more war, what it brings is up to the other person.” Forcing ourselves to forget, hinders us from true forgiveness which in turn precludes any possibility for change, redemption or reconciliation. Denial and dismissal of hurtful actions prevents any probability of reconciliation because it does not allow us to give our loved ones the opportunity to repent of their sins and walk in the light (see 1 John 1:5-7; Matthew 18:16-17). However, whether they choose to repent and turn away from harmful behavior is up to them.
Forgiveness is costly because it takes time, requires remembering, and does not guarantee reconciliation. So why then would we forgive? Well, because forgiveness is a balm for our own hearts—it counters feelings of bitterness, contempt and resentment. It keeps us from being controlled by the actions of others and prevents our hearts from becoming hardened. To feel, to ache, to desire is to be human. As Adam Young puts it, when we deny, forget and numb ourselves, we turn ourselves away from any desire—be it for reconciliation or vengeance—which cuts us off from our own humanity.
On a final note, recognizing that forgiveness is an infinitely complex and particularly weighty topic, I have listed additional resources below to provide further information regarding forgiveness and reconciliation.