Written by Jessica Abraham, LMHC (Senior Clinician)
Too often, when someone in our lives is going through a season of grief or suffering, many of us respond with clichés and platitudes like, “be strong,” “everything happens for a reason” or “you’ll get over this.” The tendency to resort to platitudes when someone is suffering is often tied to a variety of reasons such as:
a genuine belief in what the cliché or platitude communicates
an attempt to avoid the discomfort that comes with heavy emotions
a desire to be helpful or uplift the person who is in pain
a belief in the false notion that saying nothing is worse than saying a general platitude
a lack of empathy, or more commonly, a misconception of how empathy differs from sympathy
Despite some of the well-intentioned or misguided reasons people may have, unfortunately, platitudes are actually counterproductive to the goal of providing comfort and encouragement. Why is that?
Well, for starters, platitudes are generic, impersonal statements that don’t take a person’s unique situation and struggles into consideration. Though clichés and platitudes are not necessarily false, and may even contain some grain of truth, they’re not always comforting or applicable. For example, during the 2020 global pandemic, many celebrities attempted to comfort fans with general platitudes like, “we’re all in this together” or “it’s not about what you have, but who you’re with.” Sure, we were all experiencing the same global pandemic, but not everyone was experiencing the same job security or access to healthcare. And absolutely, many of our best experiences are marked by who we are with and not by material possessions but statements like this received tons of backlash from the general public due to their lack of understanding on just how different each person’s experience of the pandemic was.
Second, platitudes are often about ourselves and not about the person suffering. Platitudes allow us to “say our piece” without having to actually sit with the person in their grief or suffering. Platitudes let us move on with our day and avoid the discomfort that often comes with heavier emotions like sadness and disappointment. Grief is complex and layered, many of us don’t want to feel the weight of it and therefore choose the easy route of saying a quick cliché, leaving our loved ones to carry the weight of their grief on their own.
Third, platitudes tend to minimize a person’s loss. Whether that’s a loss of job, a loved one or loss of future hopes and dreams, platitudes often dismiss or belittle a person’s feelings and experiences. This can leave people, especially those suffering from a miscarriage or death of a loved one, feeling painfully aware of other people moving on while they’re unable to.
Lastly, platitudes often suggest how a person “should” feel rather rather than giving them the space to feel whatever may be coming up for them and meeting them where they’re at. This is where sympathy and empathy differ. Sympathy often communicates pity, “quick fixes" or even relief to not be in a similar situation. Saying phrases like, “at least you…” or “just be glad it’s not worse…” increases feelings of judgement, disconnection and loneliness. Many of us in times of suffering are not looking for pity or a solution, but rather, genuine empathy. We want to know that we’re not alone, and that we are not a burden.
So if not platitudes, then what?
Genuine empathy and true compassion. Taking the time to put yourself in the shoes of someone else and sitting with them in their suffering. It is genuine empathy and compassion that builds authentic connection and helps those suffering feel less alone.
What does empathy look like practically? To see how to put empathy into action, check out the infographic below:
