Written by Matt Warren, LMHC MDiv (Executive Director, Senior Clinician)
For all of the noise and clamor that is swirling around our world right now, it has become awfully difficult to actually hear anything from one another. There is an abundance of talking – within our neighborhoods, cities, churches, homes, and workplaces but especially (that is, most problematically) on our screens. There is an abundance of talking, but not nearly enough listening, at least not when there are contrasting worldviews and convictions in play. We listen in order to refute our opponent or defend our ground. But we do not listen to understand or meaningfully engage with the other. We listen in order to find an easy target or to deflect criticism. But we do not listen with careful attention to really hear the other or even take them seriously. This happens in matters of politics and culture, for sure, but it also infiltrates the interpersonal dynamics of marriages, friendships, families, and other relationships. When the stakes are high (and right now, it feels like that is always the case), we seem to forget how to listen to one another.
Listening is an exercise in love and humility. It requires us to recognize the sacred image of God that even the most infuriating among our so-called enemies possesses as a fact of his or her existence. It requires us likewise to remember our own human fallibility and finitude, that our knowledge and understanding are incomplete unto themselves. As such, effective listening is fueled by two essential beliefs: 1) the other person matters and therefore they matter to me and 2) the other person might just have something important that I need to hear through them.
What if we entered into all of the talk and cross-talk happening around us with a stronger commitment to these two essential beliefs over and above our own personal point of views, no matter how righteous? What if we worked harder to listen in this way particularly when we are at odds with one another? It can feel counterintuitive and even risky to do so, but careful listening may be the most necessary and beneficial thing that we can do in such moments. Effective listening tends to ease communication, promote mutuality, and encourage collaboration and compromise on all sides. Understanding begets understanding. You will likely receive just as much as you give, but it has to start with giving.
In what ways could your own listening skills use some sharpening? Below are some practical suggestions for better listening according to three dimensions: listening fully, listening reflectively, and listening supportively. We trust that this resource will be useful to you in your various caregiving roles in the local church, in the community, and in your own families and friendships.
To Listen Fully…
Give attention to the full scope of communication: (1) events and circumstances (context), (2) associated feelings and emotions, (3) thoughts, attributions, and ideas/beliefs, and (4) behavioral responses and actions.
Allow the speaker to complete each point before asking any clarifying or elaborating questions.
Listen for the content as well as the tone of communication. What is being said is just as significant as how it is being said.
Consider ways to minimize distractions from your setting and surroundings, access to technology, and other “to do” items on your mind during a critical conversation.
To Listen Reflectively…
Ask questions to clarify important points. "What do you mean when you say…” “Can you tell me more about that…”
Summarize the speaker's comments periodically. Restate the important points and connections between what has already been communicated. This demonstrates effort to understand the speaker and supports cohesive communication.
Offer feedback and reflection. Use similar language while rephrasing and synthesizing according to your own understanding of the speaker’s comments. Phrases like, "What I'm hearing is..." and "Sounds like you are saying..." may help. Avoid “parroting” (i.e. repeating back verbatim) and interpretation (i.e. adding onto or suggesting underlying meaning behind the speaker’s own comments, though this may occur at a later stage of communication).
Follow up efforts to give feedback and reflection with a question to confirm whether the speaker has been accurately understood. “Am I hearing / saying that correctly?” “How does that sound? I want to be sure that I understand.”
To Listen Supportively…
Use body language, gestures, facial expressions, and appropriately placed “mmm hmm”’s to signal ongoing listening and to encourage the speaker to continue.
Defer judgment and assessment until after the speaker has expressed themselves fully and accurate understanding has been gained (as described above).
Express empathy and validation foremost. This communicates to the speaker, “What you are expressing is valuable and understandable” and “I care about what you are sharing with me.”
Ask what is needed or desired in your response without assuming or fixing.