“You are so pathetic. How could you have done something so dumb? You are always messing things up. What an embarrassment! Everybody is going to be disappointed in you and will see how worthless you really are. You should just give up.”
These sound like harsh words spoken by an adversary, but they can just as often come from a more familiar source — the “inner critic,” that particular form of negative self-talk which arises when we are struggling, discouraged, embarrassed, or frustrated. The inner critic points out the myriad ways that we do not measure up while dismissing any strengths or successes as either not enough or not legitimate. The inner critic also convinces us that others will be equally put off by our glaring insufficiencies and will inevitably come to value us less as a result. To make matters worse, the inner critic is usually quite mean about all of this too. Rude and ruthless, and yet allowed to speak within us quite freely nonetheless!
Ideally, self-talk can be used as an effective form of self-motivation and self-regulation, but, when dominated by the voice of the inner critic, its effect is anything but helpful. It tends to keep us feeling defeated, alienated, and exhausted. Moreover, the inner critic distorts our view of self so that we begin to define ourselves more by our perpetual insufficiencies rather than the absolute and unchanging sufficiency of God’s love for us. This love can do something that the critic ultimately cannot, that is, create true and lasting change within us.
So what can be done to put this inner critic in its rightful place and better align our self-talk with the realities of God’s love for us?
We asked several members of the HCC team to share their own personal practices and insights on this all-too-familiar topic. We hope that their responses (listed below) will provide you with some practical suggestions as well as some reassurance that you are not alone in facing these things.
Bridget Greenwald: “When I was younger, I had a very harsh inner critic that I believed was something that helped me to achieve. Over time, by God’s grace, I learned that the critic was not helpful, but quite harmful. It caused anxiety and contributed to a lack of confidence. I needed more and more outside affirmation to counteract it. What I try to do now is to immediately recognize when the critic appears and to ask myself to reframe the statement to something that is kinder, gentler, and more helpful. An old statement might have been something like, ‘I can’t believe you said something so stupid.’ Now, what I try to say is something like, ‘It’s OK, it wasn’t stupid, but sometimes I do say things before I completely think them through...I’ll take my time next time.’”
Edna Lima: “In dealing with the inner critic, I generally try to challenge it. I bring it out of my head and into the light by saying it out loud (in a safe space) but as a question rather than a definitive statement. By doing this I can ask: is it really true? Is it realistic? Is it something that actually can happen or will happen? If we allow God to be in charge of these thoughts and feelings, he would remind us that we are His image - and His plans are not to harm but to prosper, to give us hope and a future.”
Heather Thornburg: “When I realize that I am engaging in self-criticism, I immediately try to turn my thoughts to prayer. I don’t necessarily try to change the content, but rather just begin directly speaking them to Jesus. In self-criticism, my thoughts are spinning inside of myself with nowhere to go, and I don’t have the power to do anything about them except tear myself into pieces. When I change those thoughts to prayer - or dialogue with Jesus - I have directed my thoughts up and outside of myself to one who loves me and created me and has the power to encourage and direct me.”
Day Marshall: “I like to extend compassion to those negative narratives, because I realize they often come from a place of hurt and feeling insecure. The inner critic’s weapon is fear. Balancing out those negative assessments with positive aspects of myself as well as potential positive outcomes of being brave and taking risks helps to counter the fear that the inner critic throws around.”
Megan Farcas: “When my inner critic is activated, I find it helpful to visualize it alongside its counterpart, my inner coach. My inner critic is negative, focusing on past frustrations, regrets, or otherwise, while my inner coach is compassionate, motivating, positive. The inner critic often focuses on lies, while the inner coach is more grounded in biblical truth. When the inner critic is loud, I visualize the inner coach being louder, speaking these truths above the lies of the inner critic. The inner coach challenges the assumptions made by my inner critic and helps to reframe some of the automatic thoughts that are negative leaning. Clients often find this same process helpful and might even name or draw the inner critic and the inner coach in order to have a visual to come back to when having an internal dual between the two.”
Dan Brown: “I tell my clients all the time that I want them to see themselves the way God sees them. So how does God see them? God can only see us through the lens of Christ, and Christ is perfect and his love for us is perfect. Does that mean that I am perfect? Yes and no. If we are honest with ourselves, we all know we can be inconsistent, idiosyncratic hypocrites. But I am convinced that God is not some ogre in heaven tracking all of the things we do wrong and right. We need to be honest with God and others regarding these inconsistencies and imperfections but also be kind and charitable to ourselves realizing God is forming the love of Christ inside of us.”