Co-written by Day Marshall, LMHC LPC (Senior Clinician, Director of HCC Oregon) and Matt Warren, LMHC MDiv (Executive Director, Senior Clinician)
What is your communication style? When emotions are strong and the stakes feel high, how do you typically communicate with your partner, your roommates, your co-workers, your closest friends? During childhood, how did your family tend to communicate needs and feelings?
In our work with clients, we tend to classify communication style into four basic types – passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive – and support the development and practice of one particular style. That preferred communication style is, of course, assertiveness as it is shown to be most conducive to building self-esteem, interpersonal effectiveness, healthy boundaries, and mutual satisfaction within relationships.
However, there can often be mixed feelings around the idea of assertiveness, perhaps out of a fear of coming across as demanding or selfish or out of concern that it may be uncaring or aloof toward others. This can be particularly evident within the Christian community where the idea of assertiveness may seem to contradict biblical values of self-sacrifice and “putting others’ needs before your own.”
Yet this points to an underlying confusion between assertiveness and aggressiveness or the more subtle, but equally harmful, passive-aggressiveness. It also suggests a distorted view of passiveness as somehow more humble and peaceful when in fact it comes from a place of insecurity, self-negation, and a need to please.
In reality, assertiveness is the most loving and mutually respectful form of communication. It actually defuses conflict and is not at all demanding. What makes assertiveness communication loving? Here are a few reasons: 1) it gives benefit of the doubt to the other person; 2) it asks for needs to be met which promotes vulnerability, trust, genuineness and authenticity within the relationship; 3) it is clear and honest; 4) it invites the other person to give buy-in rather than feeling obligated, coerced or threatened, and 5) it welcomes and values the same type of communication from the other person.
Consider also the example of Jesus. He advocated for direct and honest communication (Matt. 5:37), said “no” to requests when needed (Matt. 14:17), asked for help and involvement from others (John 4:7), expressed his own concerns and opinions emphatically (Luke 17:3), shared both positive and negative emotions with others appropriately (Matt. 11:15-20, John 15:15), and served freely from a position of power and security (John 13:12-17). Indeed, Jesus is a perfect example (literally) of loving assertiveness in action.
The chart below further delineates the key differences between assertiveness and other communication styles. We hope this will give you some language, characteristics, and real-life illustrations to use in the practice of assertiveness in your own life.
